You might think that sitting around with nothing to do as I wait for my work permit to be approved is all fun and games. You might imagine that I just sit around all day, watching movies, and drinking wine coolers. You’d be right. Ignoring the shame I feel for enjoying fruity alcohol drinks more than manly beer-based drinks like beer, I have seen a good number of movies over the past week or so, both in the theater and via DVD rental. And since I have such great taste in movies, I thought I would perform a public service and drop a little knowledge on you working folk who don’t have the time (but luckily do have the money) to waste on a bad movie.
Here are my thoughts on some of the cinematic masterpieces I’ve seen lately:
In Theaters Now:
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix: As far as the Harry Potter movies go, this one is worth seeing. It is the best of the movies so far, but that’s because the books keep getting better and better. Speaking of which, I read the final book in the series, and it is AWESOME! Very well written, and a fitting end to a complicated story. Although I have to say I’m a bit surprised by some of the choices JK Rowling made. There were lots of rumors about a character dying, but I never thought it would be Hermoine, and I NEVER EVER thought that Ron would be the one to kill her while acting under a curse from Voldemort. It was shocking. Rowling did a brilliant job of making that fit into the story and of closing the book around it, but before I started reading I never would have guessed. And I suppose that is the mark of a good author. Verdict: See the movie, and read book 7!!
Live Free or Die Hard: My dad got into a lot of trouble with his buddies because of this film. We went to see it together, and we both really enjoyed it. It’s a die-hard film, so you know what you’re going to get — lots of action, in a quasi-believable format. Sure, there were points in the movie that were a bit implausible, but that is to be expected here. Sometimes you have to suspend disbelief when you go to the movies. So anyway, my dad told his buddies to go see it, and of course they hated it. They didn’t think it was realistic when the fighter jet was chasing Bruce Willis on an underpass. But so what — that was one of about 20 unrealistic things in the movie. This was good fun - very enjoyable. Verdict: Screw what my dad’s friends say — worth the price of admission!
Transformers: If you have a problem suspending disbelief, this is a film to avoid. Shia LeBeauf as an action star? This kid was doing Even Steven on the Disney channel 5 years ago, and now he’s an above the title star? I wonder if they’ll put his name about Harrison Ford’s on the new Indiana Jones movie? Come on. There’s a rule that Hollywood needs to remember when it comes to action stars — if I can beat you up, you’re not an action star. You can still be a good actor and headline movies, but not action movies. Put Shia Lebeauf with the guys from Superbad (which gets a good review from me, sight unseen, just because of its name) and he fits in perfectly. I don’t need the fat kid from Superbad headlining a Voltron movie, just like I don’t need Shia LeBeauf headlining Transformers. Verdict: ranting aside, this is a decent summer action film, and is pretty enjoyable. Shia LeBeauf does a great job, and the robot that plays Bumblebee is very convincing (maybe an Oscar-worthy performance in the best robot category — look out Calculon!) Not as good as Live Free or Die Hard, but worth checking out, and a good rental movie for sure.
Ratatouille: Maybe I’m a bit biased towards this movie because I saw it with my niece Ashley, and she really liked it. But I think I have to agree with her. It’s a movie about a rat that cooks food in a restaurant. What’s not to like about that? All I can say is that it’s better than the current situation in New York — I would rather have the rat cooking the meal than as a part of the meal, as I’m sure is the case in a lot of restaurants out there (and frankly, I’d rather have rat than the cat or dog that in the primary ingredient in most chinese food). But I digress. This is a Pixar film, so it is quality animation, and it is a decent enough story of a rat with dreams and the food critic that is out to destroy him. Verdict: If it’s good enough for Ashley, it’s good enough for you — go see it!
The Simpson’s: Anyone who knows me knows that I’m a HUGE Simpson’s fan. Homer is perhaps the greatest character ever in the history of all entertainment mediums. There’s always a danger when you take a TV show and turn it into a movie, but I’d say that this one delivered. It was fast paced and enjoyable, like an extra-long and commercial free version of the TV show. I’m not going to lie and say this is the greatest cartoon-turned-movie ever (see the South Park movie for that), but it is very enjoyable. Also, the spider pig thing still makes me laugh out loud. And if it’s good enough for Tom Hanks to appear in, it’s good enough for you to spend your money on. Verdict: A must see, even if you are not a die-hard Simpsons fan. Extra bonus — youtube is great — check out this Spider-pig redeux of the original Spider Man cartoon theme song.
Hot Rod: This movie bombed at the box office this weekend, barely beating Bratz (which I might have considered seeing, if it was showing at my local theater). I’m a big fan of Andy Samberg, or at least of the few good SNL Digital Shorts that he’s done. Anyone that can get Natalie Portman to gangsta rap or come up with the hilarity that is Lazy Sunday is ok in my book (if you haven’t seen these, please click the links and check them out!). Unfortunately, this movie isn’t ok. It is awful. It sort of makes me wonder how much money there is out there in Hollywood, that this sort of thing can get made. I guess I should have known, though — it is a movie produced by Lorne Michaels, staring a SNL cast member. Do I really expect it to be better than Stuart Smally Saves his Family, or the It’s Pat movie? I would have walked out of this movie, if not for Ilsa Fisher, who is super-hot (and married to Sacha Baron-Cohen — CURSE YOU ALI G!!!). While I’ve forced my friend Higgins to suffer through movies based solely on the presence of a hot chick, even Ilsa Fisher is not enough to make this movie worthwhile. Verdict: This bombed for a reason. Avoid at all costs (unless you can’t resist Ilsa Fisher, in which case you should just rent Wedding Crahsers).
Now Showing on DVD:
The Departed: Ok, I understand that I’m a bit late in reviewing this film. It won best picture at the Oscars last year (I think). My question is “why?” Andrea and I rented this back in January when we were living in Binghamton, and we were so bored by it that we didn’t make it all the way through — we had to shut it off after an hour. Now that I had some time to kill, I decided to rent it and see if it got better as it got further in. What a mistake that was. You know what I enjoy in movies? When something happens. Maybe that’s why I disliked this movie so much. It was BORING. Tons of good actors, a good director, and I’m looking at the clock every 2 minutes, hoping that it will end. It just goes to show that if you put enough stars into a movie, it doesn’t matter how shit-awful it is. Verdict: I wish I “departed” from this movie and never saw it. ZING!
The 300: Another movie that did great at the theater, which I just didn’t get. Maybe I don’t like movies that are shot on bluescreen and rely on switching from color to B&W to sepia to B&W with one thing colored in. We all know that the technology is out there to do that at this point — we don’t need to see entire movies made this way. The bigger problem with this movie, though, was that it seemed to be about saying “SPARTA” as loudly and dramatically as possible as frequently as possible. Every other line was “THIS IS SPARTA!!” or “WE ARE SPARTA!!” or “SPARTA!!!!” I get it. You like Sparta. It was like all the actors had just watched Star Trek 2, and were doing their best to imitate Shatner’s “KAHN!!” yell in every single scene. By the end of the movie I was rooting for the Spartans to die. And they did. So at least it delivered a happy ending. Verdict: Better than The Departed, but still not worth renting.
Hot Fuzz: This is from the same guys who brought you Shaun of the Dead, which is actually a very funny and enjoyable movie. I wanted to see this in the theaters, but never got around to it. I’m happy to say that even with semi-high expectations, this does not disappoint. Funny, fast-paced, and worthwhile. A nice supporting role for former 007 Timothy Dalton, as well. Verdict: easily the best of the movies I’m reviewing on the rental side of things, and worth renting!
Reno 911 - The Movie: I’m not a huge fan of the Reno 911 - the TV show (on Comedy Central), but I’ve seen it once or twice, and it is ok, so I thought I’d give the movie a try. I have to say, it was worthwhile. Not the greatest comedy ever, but certainly a number of funny scenes. Verdict: Good solid comedy, worth renting, but not as good as Hot Fuzz.
Rocky Balboa: Stallone has said that this is the Rocky movie they should have made instead of Rocky V, and I think I have to agree with him. This is essentially a movie about getting old. Rocky V devalued Rocky, and turned him into a retarded street fighter. This movie leaves Rocky with dignity, and plays on what has always been the biggest strength of the character — his heart. And they play on that strength well. Rocky has always been the guy you root for because the odds are against him and he never gives up, and in this movie they go back to that formula. It’s not about him winning the match, but instead it’s about him hitting back when life hits him hard. Verdict: I’ll rank this third among the Rocky movies — not as good as Rocky (the first one is an amazing movie) or Rocky III (I pity the fool who doesn’t like Rocky III), but better than (or maybe tied with) Rocky II, and certainly better than Rocky IV and V.
National Lampoons presents: Sorority Girls: Let me state right from the start, the only reason I rented this was specifically for this blog entry. This movie stars Paris Hilton as the rich socialite who is the head of the snobby-girl sorority. Basically, she’s playing herself. I couldn’t resist seeing how bad this movie would be, and how bad her acting would be. And as tough as it was to do, this movie lived up to my expectations. It was AWFUL. And Paris Hilton was AWFUL. You know you can’t act when you can’t even play yourself. All she does is stand around with a vapid look on her face, with voice-overs to tell the viewer what she is thinking. What this means is that she wasn’t even capable of delivering lines to the camera, so they had to just have her stand there, and then do the lines as voice-overs. BRUTAL. The good news is that since getting out of jail Paris Hilton has apparently dedicated her life to improving the world, so hopefully she’ll be too busy with that (or with the saving the world after-parties) to make more garbage like this. Verdict: Not worth seeing, even for the comedic value of how awful Hilton is. Even Duffy thought this one was awful, and he’s generally easy to please.
And that’s my movie review. I hope you enjoyed it! Oh, and the spoiler about Hermoine dying the Harry Potter book is fake, so don’t get all upset thinking I spoiled the book for you! :-p